“… there is nothing, nothing, nothing worth letting your soul die in the dark for.”

Read. This.

This.

No matter what you do/don’t believe – this one sentence …

“Take the risk, do not look back, do not worry about the cost or what you might lose because there is nothing, nothing, nothing worth letting your soul die in the dark for.”

– Morpheus Ravenna, bansheearts.com

This.

It’s been over a year since I left my own abusive and unhealthy relationship. In March it will be a year since I uprooted my entire life, knowing the cost – yet continuing. 

I hope to never again get lost in this dark, and I hope you never have to experience it.

Robyn

Its Saturday Bitches!

Hey guys!

I had this awesome planned for Friday.. but I think I lost track of my days… insomnia does that.

Then… I slept through most of today.

Anyways –

I had sugery again. Which is something that I will make a whole post about.

I also have to write about my trip 😀

Its so close to Christmas! 

Its usually my favourite time of year. Unfortunately since I had my surgery… I’ve been on the couch ( for the most part). Which means no decorations.  No shopping done.

But yeah. Blogging. All the time. Its my new full time.. thing? That I spend the time I’m not playing video games, of course.

Anyways… back to Christmas movies!

Xxoo
Robyn

I’m back with a BANG! (Or at least a small knock)

Hey everyone! I plan on getting right back on schedule starting tomorrow – but for now…

My dad posted this on Facebook- and I watched… went about my business… watched again.

It has validity in a world where a lot of what I read/see/hear is only as valid as the current Wikipedia update.

YET. Yet…

Being some with social anxiety, I find that I am having way more meaningful interactions with people, through the safety of the screen – then I might have otherwise.

The ability to monitor and edit what I say, to check my spelling obsessively, to only portray those points and thoughts in my head that come across the way I would have wanted them to – had I said them aloud… is extremely important to me. I say things that I mean, I express my beliefs, I am willing to be ME, candidly (sorta) without having people watching me.

It is part of what makes my brand of social anxiety – the kind that falls under the spectrum, but lets face it, is unique to me – so easy to shed when I am behind the safety of my four walls.

In high school – I joked. I knew I was different and quirky and tried (mostly failed) to fit in. I tried to hide my ineptitude behind the books, the few close friends, and my air of “pfft. I don’t give two shits”. All of which was a lie.

I cared. More then I probably should have back then. But I cared. I scrutinized every. single. thing.  What someone said, or didn’t say. The parties I didn’t get invited to. The friendships that seemed to so easily come to everyone else. It caused me to miss out on probably quite a few opportunities, because in my socially anxious mind… it was never simple.

I personally suffer from a (few) handfuls of mental illness issues. The majority of them resulting in me being more comfortable behind my computer screen. But if I didn’t have the ease of social media? I would truly be lonely. I would be alone – without the option of the friends I have made through social media. Does the fact that the majority of the people I know don’t live anywhere close to me, bug me? Sometimes. But the fact remains… I would be way more lonely if I didn’t have them.

Video again:

 

Surgery. Ugh.

So. April I broke my leg. I had much surgery, screws, plates, pain… physical rehab facility. … and constant pain/swelling/limited mobility since.

They did a ct scan, and discovered what looked like a hole in the bone around one of the screws. So they decided to take a peek.

(Luckily I was able to get my Ontario/Montreal trip in first!)

Anyways, yesterday was the day.

They removed all the hardware, did a scope of my ankle joint, something else, another something else….

Yeah – I don’t really remember much when I’m barely awake after surgery.  I mean…by this time I’m usually well into the shakes.

But! Before the surgery she said she was going to do thw hardware removal, the scope, and a possible culture of the bone infection, with possibly a graft. So maybe that’s what she did?

I see her again on the 23rd. This time I am allowed to walk, pretty much right away as pain allows.

Yesterday I was fine.  All that local anaesthetic,  plus the other surgery drugs. I bled through the dressing overnight though so I had to hit the walk in clinic this morning.

Today? After the dressing change… oh my god. I just can’t catch a break. Totally different pain then last time. Better even?… but nothing seems to be touching it. And its a burny kind of pain.

Oh. And this is the third time I have been refused narcotic pain medication. Theu don’t even offer it.  Why? I don’t know. But my suspicion?  After talking with others who have the same surgery, surgeon, outcome.. is my mental illnesses.*** That is the only difference. I have documented,  long standing, mental illness. That… is why I feel I am told to take xtra strength Tylenol when the 15 t3’s they have prescribed run out. And the guy next to me? Gets tramocet and hydromorph.  With a refil. No.. there is no stigma/judgement there… none at all. (Fucker didn’t even have hardware removed. Just a scope)***

***is probably a hot headed, pain induced,  assumption. Also…for all I know… the guy next to me, and our conversation happened when I was under. So not at all. Or maybe it did..those first three hours suck.****

I will include some pictures of my battle wounds, after the “more” . Warning. May be squicky.  I may  also just make a segment of weekly updates to the leg-log. Yeah… I’ll do that…

Read More »

Going under…

Hey everyone!

I’m just letting everyone know:

I’m going into surgery today.  In a few short hours. 

I broke my leg in April, and this is a second surgery to try and fix it properly.   I’m completely aware before this surgery, so I’m kinda freaking out.  Just a little LOT.

I’m sure everything will be just fine.

See you on the other side!

Xxoo
Robyn